


It's Not Why (it's not how)

by Neelh



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Gen, Spoilers for The Last Mabelcorn, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-11
Updated: 2015-09-11
Packaged: 2018-04-20 06:32:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4777118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neelh/pseuds/Neelh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bill is so powerful and so clever and he has always been so dumb for believing that such a wonderful, intelligent, enlightened being would ever speak to Stanford Pines. The Genius Who Changed The World.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Not Why (it's not how)

**Author's Note:**

> There are references to alcohol and DIY surgery in this fic.
> 
> Title from No More Words by Cryoshell, which is really fitting for Dipper and Ford's experiences with Bill.

He could still hear Bill.

Sometimes, his limbs move without his permission even though he is still in his body, but he can still move one two three four five six fingers on command; he can still bite his lip and feel pain.

**PAIN IS HILARIOUS!**

He tries to sleep and find the demon that betrayed him, but he tosses and turns until the sun rises and he can’t remember half of the night except shadows moving even though he had locked all of the doors and windows. When he puts his glasses on, everything is still, and he tells himself half-heartedly that it was his imagination. But he’s explored his mind and Fiddleford’s mind (fiddleford fiddleford fiddleford i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry) and he knows that everything in there can be manipulated. He can believe something that was never real, or suddenly think that everything before his eyes was a hallucination and he knows that it is, deep down, and he wishes that he could find Fiddleford (i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry) and hold the man’s small hands tightly because he needs the knowledge that he is not alone but outside is dangerous. Outside there are Things that can Get Him and he will not escape.

**WELL, SIXER, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?**

Sometimes he thinks he is safe. He is always wrong. Because Bill is still here, Bill can see him and Bill is Keeping An Eye On Him. Bill is so powerful and so clever and he has always been so dumb for believing that such a wonderful, intelligent, enlightened being would ever speak to Stanford Pines; The Genius Who Changed The World.

_reality is an illusion_

**WATCH OUT FOR SQUARES**

And so are the falsities and compliments that Bill fed into his eager, willing mouth; corrupting his brain and bringing him further from humanity. He barely interacted with anyone in the physical realm after that, because Bill was so much more interesting; an _intellectual equal_ to him, and how could he have fallen for that? How could he have ever believed that Bill Cipher was anything but rotten to the core?

He knows that it’s because of

**STUPID**

the fact that Bill is a brilliant

**STUPID**

liar; but he can’t help but feel

**STUPID**

Yeah. That.

The Bill Voice doesn’t leave his head, and sometimes he wakes up outside of his body and in the Mindscape. Bill doesn’t do anything bad, except leave a few self-inflicted scars and bruises on his body, but he still has to vomit after every time it happens. He stops eating so that he doesn’t regurgitate so much, and he can feel himself growing weaker but he doesn’t care. He can’t give Bill the upper hand again, even though the demon has always been overpowering, has always been smarter, has always been better.

The Bill voice doesn’t shut up. Even when it doesn’t intrude on his thoughts he can feel the words in that nasal shout echoing around the back of his brain. Fiddleford (so so so so so so so so so sorry) said it would happen.

Fiddleford (sorry sorry sorry)

**AW, HOW SWEET, STANFORD! IT’S SO NICE TO HEAR YOUR REPENTANT WHISPERS IN YOUR TINY HUMAN BRAIN. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW, POINDEXTER? HOW ABOUT OLD FIDDS GOING OFF THE DEEP END? DO YOU KNOW HOW QUICKLY IT’S GOING TO HAPPEN? OH WAIT, IT HAS! AND EVEN BETTER THAN I EXPECTED! STANFORD PINES, I AM TRULY PROUD OF YOU! THIS MAN IS GOING TO BE SO MUCH FUN!**

Fiddleford

**NOT AS FUN AS YOU, BUT CLOSE ENOUGH!**

had played Dungeons, Dungeons, and more Dungeons with him in university. They spoke to each other and listened, and for the first time, Stanley (love hate love hate right wrong stay away) was not the first thing on his mind. Instead, he was talking about the supernatural and anomalies while Fiddleford listened and asked questions so he could explain his theories and find holes and fix them and get sudden breakthroughs, while he did the same for Fiddleford and his computers and mathematics.

When he stayed awake all night and couldn’t be woken in the mornings, Fiddleford went to his lectures and took notes for him, even though he probably wouldn’t need them. Fiddleford’s handwriting was sloppier than his own cursive, but it was clear and legible. Fiddleford would go on coffee runs in the middle of the night for late nights spent together working, even though after a while it became obvious that Fiddleford just wanted to sleep and wasn’t even reading books related to the syllabus anymore. One time he saw Fiddleford reading Treasure Island and his stomach churned, remembering Stanley.

Stanley.

Stanley.

Stanley.

 _No_.

Fiddleford and him tossing a coin to see who paid for drinks; Fiddleford and him running home in the rain and holding their bags over their heads to stay dry; Fiddleford and him wearing tinfoil hats for a while because the government was probably hiking up their security and brainwashing; Fiddleford and him-

Would that work?

**WOW, STANFORD, WHAT DUMB CONCLUSION HAVE YOU JUMPED TO THIS TIME?**

It could work. It has to.

There is a lot of scrap metal left over from the portal. There is cleansing alcohol due to his old habit of cutting himself on mysterious objects in the forest. And for reasons he would rather not explain, there is a surgery kit.

**REALLY, SIXER?**

When he makes the first incision, he wants to scream. But he needs to do this, and he needs a clear mind. Well, as clear as he can get with The Bill Voice’s running commentary. So he peels back the flesh of his scalp slowly and prepares to attach the metal plate to his skull.

**YOU REALLY DON’T WANT TO DO THIS, STANFORD PINES. TRUST ME.**

_trust no one_

And finally, when it’s all over and he is drinking heavily to remove the sweet physical – as opposed to mental – pain in his head, he knows it’s worth it.

Because, even though the demon is lurking in the shadows, watching his every move, Bill Cipher can no longer mess with his mind.

Hopefully, it still works.


End file.
